Hurt MUCH....
Oct 21, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpCe38P8JqA

hey you guys welcome back to my channel
if you're new welcome to my channel
[Music]
good morning you guys welcome to Monday
yes we are at the beginning of a whole
new week and what does that mean it's
counseling day and let me just tell you
counselling went pretty good it was a
hard session I think this week because
of the whole Jif of our conversation so
that was a little bit tough but for the
most part I mean it was a good it was a
good session it was a much-needed
session I guess you could say so anyways
the conversation that was played out
this week in counseling was ok let me
backtrack a little bit for anybody that
did not see my life the other day when I
was on live I was talking about a
relationship that I had to ultimately I
had to let go it was a relationship that
was toxic it was a relationship that was
going nowhere but it was a hard decision
to make it was a hard decision to say
okay I've had enough I am human but I've
had enough and you know you don't have
to ever take verbal abuse from anybody
it doesn't matter who it is it doesn't
matter if it is your parent if it is
your child if it is your spouse even
your own self you don't have to take
verbal abuse and that's pretty much I
mean in a nutshell that's what was going
on with me and I had to finally put my
guard up put boundaries around and say
enough is enough you know I'm not going
to accept this anymore
and I'm going to be done and so on that
life I had read some messages between me
and the person that I was breaking ties
with and a lot of you guys were shocked
at the the calm the the letters are
messages and the messages I guess you
would say dot letters excuse me I'm
gonna apologize the very beginning
Esther had me up since five o'clock this
morning
I am purely exhausted when I came home
from counseling she was nice and asleep
on the couch I'm like you've got to be
kidding me
so now moment wants it now but I can't
so I might be on a few times I'm sorry
I'm exhausted I will try and edit them
out though so anyways a lot of you guys
were just really shocked by the comments
that I was getting and messages I was
receiving from this certain person it
wasn't a shock to me to be honest
because I'm pretty used to it
and when I say I'm pretty used to it
when I was raised up I was raised that
my tongue could be a knife my words can
cut deep and that has been my protection
if anything my mouth has had to be my
protection so not only was I that way
but also my sibling and my parent is the
same way and that's just how we have
protected ourselves throughout the years
of damage and things done through
throughout our time well anyways so
since I have been going to counseling
and things I have been learning so many
amazing tools to not go to that
of using my tongue to hurt somebody
instead pulling my tools out of my
toolbox and saying okay well I can
navigate this situation like this or I
can do it this way and I've been pretty
successful with that you know within the
past few but about the past year I'll
say I've been pretty good with that I've
been pretty good with okay you know what
I'm I'm not going to entertain this
conversation and it's not just what this
person it's with many situations I have
been placed up against this is enough to
you know I choose what is worth my time
energy and there are things that just
aren't worth it and they're just not and
I have been able to you know choose
wisely what's worth a fight and what's
not and when I say worth a fight I'm
saying like worth even trying to you
know come to a middle ground with
somebody and sometimes that just isn't
gonna happen it's just not gonna happen
because they're in one spot in their
life and I'm in another spot and there's
just no getting anywhere so anyways as
most of you guys have known you know for
a while now you know my biological
mother and I have been out outs this is
pretty typical it's a cycle
I usually accept the behavior I usually
accept the way that I'm spoken to
although I hold my own tongue and I
don't say things back that I really wish
I could say but I don't because again
since being in therapy I have learned so
many tools of how to engage this kind of
situation that I I don't want to step
back into my past of how I used to deal
with things and start lashing but over
this past week you know
there was some pretty hurtful harsh
messages sent between the two of us and
I am NOT playing victim here I am NOT
saying you know that you know poor me
you know she's she's just the one
totally responsible because she's not
she's not gonna present responsible I
did my part
I can definitely say I did not hit below
the belt like she did but we can sit
here and say tit for tat and point
fingers of who said more and who said
this and you know all of those things
but at the end of the day the ultimate
decision that landed in my lap was which
direction are you gonna go with this and
I had to decide what what's worth
putting efforts into is it worth my time
trying to argue with this person that is
not arguable arguable not argument
there's no achieving any goal with her
you know and so we were going back and
forth she was saying some mighty nasty
things to me I was shooting back but I
don't think I was shooting back as hard
as I could have but finally I hit a spot
where I just had had enough and I
stepped back into my past and I said
things to her out of hurt and out of
anger and all I wanted to do was to
verbally abuse her back and hurt her
emotionally like she was hurting me and
that really actually made me very sad
that sorry
Omar's using the restroom that really
made me sad that I even allowed that to
become a part of me again and I just you
know it it was a lot to take in when I
wrote it I wasn't proud of myself when I
sent it
you know but again when you have you
know when your fear is getting pinched
over and over and over and over there's
only enough that you can just be like
okay you know I'm gonna pinch you back
because I'm tired of getting my fingers
pinched and that's kind of where I was
at
now we could again sit here and point
fingers and say well you did more than I
did and you know back and forth but at
the end of the day sorry I was
interrupted no I don't remember what I
was saying but anyways I just you know
there are so many ways that I could have
dealt with the situation but I chose to
take that route of my past and you know
like I said I said things that I wasn't
a hundred percent proud of but again you
take so much verbal abuse to the point
where you're just like okay I've had
enough I don't care if you're my parent
my sibling who you are I'm going to hurt
you like you're hurting me and that's
exactly what I did and I felt like I was
a hamster in a hamster ball every corner
I was going I was hitting a wall with
her and so I was talking to my therapist
about it today and you know and I was
reading her the messages and you know
and I said and please know that I am
acknowledging that I am NOT a victim
here I am acknowledging and taking full
responsibility for what I wrote in
response back to her messages I am NOT
proud of what I said but I'm also not
going to say that I was wrong for my
feelings because they don't feel I was
wrong I was wrong in the way that I put
it but I was not you know I wasn't going
to let them have the green light and say
well you can just say whatever you want
and I'm not gonna say anything back
because I am NOT going to do that either
so as I was talking to my therapist she
said you know listening to both sides
she said you know the the message is
coming from you know the other side they
sound like they're adolescent they sound
like they're naughty
adult mind and you know you have to
realize that you really are dealing with
somebody with some major mental health
issues and and I accept that I do I
accept that but again I'm not going to
give excuses and say well okay because
this person has you know mental health
issues I have to be okay with being
verbally abused I don't feel that that's
fair to me and so you know that was kind
of where you know I told her that I felt
the need to comment back but I went too
far with the last message or the second
to the last message but that I am I'm
okay and satisfied with saying that I
had to close this relationship off of
toxic miss because I'm raising my
children and I don't want them to a see
me talk to like that be think that it's
a-okay or appropriate to call or talk to
anybody like that and three I wanted
them to see that their mother stood up
for herself set boundaries
and that's just the way it's gonna go
and you know I don't want that chaos in
my home or around my children like I
just don't I don't want that kind of
verbal abuse I mean it purely is verbal
abuse now I through verbal abuse back
and that's where it was intend that was
just where it was gonna continue to keep
going was we were both going to continue
to verbally abuse each other because one
had to say the last word so one had to
get the last word in before the they
could close off the such the
conversation so I would get a message of
verbal abuse so then I would flip it
back and I would verbally abuse them
back and you know no matter what it
doesn't give the right to somebody to
verbally abuse whether it be me or
somebody else and so that's where I take
responsibility and say you know what I
am wrong I dealt with the situation
wrong I shouldn't have verbally abuse
somebody just to make
myself feel better and also trying to
put that person in their spot but I also
want to get to the point in life when
this type of a situation happens I don't
even feel like I have to entertain it
that's where I want to be in life is if
I was to ever be put in this position
again with anybody when they're verbally
abusing me or using language or using
words that are so just downright just
draaga Tory and I mean some of the words
were just like whoa um I don't want to
feel like I have to inter entertain or
even try and justify myself to that
person but be able to just say you know
why Amy it this is good
you don't need to even talk about to
this person let it go and just move on
am I at that point right now absolutely
not I think that you know I have shown
myself multiple times within this last
couple of months where I feel I have to
just might justify myself to many people
when it comes to verbal abuse and when
people are mean to me I accept it I
allow it and I just tried to argue back
to them to prove my point or prove Who I
am that I'm not the person that people
see me to be or whatever it might be I
and I shouldn't have to do that I should
feel comfortable enough in my own skin
and be comfortable enough knowing who I
am
that I don't have to prove myself to
others and you know people can say what
they want everybody has their own
opinion but just because somebody has
their own opinion doesn't mean that they
have the green light to verbally abuse
or physically abuse or you know any
other type of abuse they don't have the
right doesn't give him the green card
and it still doesn't give me the green
card to do it back so today was a really
good session it just was a lot of
showing me that I still have a lot to
work on I still am such a
work-in-progress
I'm nowhere close to where I want to be
yet and I know that I am still a
caterpillar waiting to even go into my
cocoon I am nowhere close to saying that
I am at a good place in life yet because
clearly I'm not however I still am
growing my tools to navigate through
this thing called life and to navigate
through different situations that come
up against me and that way then whenever
I am in a position like I have been the
last week that I know exactly exactly
how to navigate it and know that I can
handle this and handle it maturely and
handle it the way I want to handle it
versus allowing others to have control
over my emotions because that's what's
happened is I allowed somebody to
control my emotions and I lashed back
because those emotions were just they
were tired of being torn at so finally I
just flashed you know so anyways I hope
that this helps somebody out there that
might be going through the same things
as me is just you know sometimes even
though it's the hardest thing you can do
is sometimes you have to let that
relationship go that is doing nothing
but bringing bringing in toxic nough
stew your life but also bringing out
that ugly and you that you know you're
wanting to work out and that you're
wanting to recover and become a new
person you have to let that trash go and
I'm not saying the person's trash but
their luggage their garbage their
whatever you want to call it you have to
let all of that go sweep the floor
completely clean before you can even
start to bring in new things which would
be your new tools of how to you know
really make your space be what you want
it to be rather than decorating it the
way that it has been or that it was
placed at because those are just the
things you knew and learned but now you
can take
all that stuff out and bring new stuff
in and that's where I'm at right now is
I'm starting to learn to bring new stuff
in because what I you know what I knew
before doesn't work for me now you know
the person I used to be in the past
isn't the person I am now you know so
for me it was very it was actually a
very sad day for me when I responded
back the way that I did in the last part
of my message to this person because
it's not the person I am anymore and I
don't want to backtrack I don't want to
become that person anymore and I won't
ever be a that person anymore because
I'm not going to give anybody the amount
of space to take control of that you
know it just isn't gonna happen I have
to take control as far can you turn that
down a little bit so anyways with that
said that is my kind of ghoul thing and
then I also was sharing with my my
therapist that one thing I noticed is I
was sitting on my chair and I don't know
I don't even know why I even went this
direction but I had some like Melling
stuff sitting next to my chair and there
was these poppers Newseum poppers and it
was the day that you know these messages
were being sent and back and forth and
you know normally I would get very angry
and you know I would want to go in and
start you know not self harming in like
a physical state well I guess you could
say it but self harming in the sense of
binging and start shoving food and you
know just totally trying to do anything
I can to take my mind off of the
situation with this person because it's
a hurtful situation it's painful but I
started I grabbed this thing and I
started I just sat there and just
started popping
and the comfort that it gave me actually
was helping me so much and my therapist
said Amy what an amazing thing that you
did and she said that popping the fill
of popping it it's you're you you're
tuning in so it's taking your mind off
of that situation and you're not
allowing what normally would bend your
coping mechanism your food to be the
coping now you have found a new outlet
and I honest to god think that this
saved me from binging and you know
really giving my emotions to that person
I was able to deal with it and I sat
there and since then I when I start
feeling worked up or I feel like I'm
just going to snap because I'm just
getting so frustrated or angry with the
situation I grab my poppers and I just
start popping them and you know I stick
them in my purse I said you know they're
very easy they are a little loud but you
know if I need something and if my
anxieties starting to heightened I just
grabbed my poppers and I just go to town
my husband absolutely can't stand it
he's like a merry series yes I am he's
like okay whatever but I mean it's
something that truly is helping me to
count to be able to get through this and
I found something that works for me
and so my therapist was like I think I'm
gonna have to borrow that idea to share
with others because sometimes you need
that you know you need to be able to do
something to take your mind off of
whatever is going on so that you can
focus on your tools and it can kind of
bring you back and I'll sit there in
four hours just and pop my bubbles pop
them and I'll just sit there it's the
the I love the sound
so anyways enough of that so I hope you
guys enjoyed this video
I really am speaking from the heart I
hope that you know this can help others
out there that might be going through me
and you know similar situations um know
that you're not alone I am right here if
you ever need to just email me and talk
to me I'm totally here sometimes it
takes me a few days to respond back
because I do get a lot of emails and I'm
trying to catch up on emails and
messages and you know everything else
but I will definitely get back to you it
just might be a day or two but anyways
I'm going to close for now you guys I am
exhausted and I think it's time for Mama
to go lay down take a nap so I hope you
guys have a beautiful beautiful rest of
your Monday and a great start to your
week I will check in with you guys again
real soon talk to you later bye bye